Introduction
One of the biggest challenges I have ever faced has to do with my own mental health. One minute I’m fine and the next I am not! And right now because of some sickness, I can’t even take my meds. So I’m watching my health deteriorate and my mental health as well.
It took me a very long time to finally admit I had mental health issues and become willing to take medication for it. When I was first diagnosed, I didnt believe I needed medication and I was heavily into my alcahol and drug addiction.
There are dual challenges a person faces when dealing with both addiction and mental health challenges. For this piece, we will also say depression. Depression is a mental health condition that I deal with. Or maybe I should say it deals with me as I have yet to overcome it.
Its meaning can be shortened to sad but it is much more than that! The official meaning is: Depression is a mood disorder that causes persistent feelings of sadness and loss of interest. Also called a major depressive disorder or clinical depression, it affects how you feel, think, and behave and can lead to a variety of emotional and physical problems (by the Mayo Clinic)
Unfortunately, depression has been my friend for a long time. A frienamy. Being my enemy depression comes in and fools me. I will think I am happy and turn around and be crying. And it’s a little more than just depression. BPD.
It is so tiring—the constant battle to try to be happy. I’m not asking for much. I want to want my life. And that is where the solution needs to take over. Because I have a beautiful, blessed life. But because of my depression, I can’t see it.
If I’m not living in the solution then I am living in my addiction. My misery tries to consume me with my addiction which is revved up by my depression. So for this mama, I have to focus on my solution, which is meetings, sponsoring, and sometimes just putting one foot in front of the other.
The purpose of this post is to talk about depression and addiction and how they can intertwine in life. Some days I’m winning and some days I’m not. Today is a not day and it’s how I ended up with this post!
Acknowledging the Darkness
For my bpd (bi-polar disorder)the deppression part of it, the initial feelings are usually anger. Unexpected sometimes unexplained full-on rage moments. Sometimes I can’t seem to find the energy to do anything. Or the desire to do anything.
I find I spend a large amount of time lost in feelings of unhappiness. Doubt and depression like to come to me in many forms. Everything from my business is going to fail and my husband is going to leave me to I’m failing as a mother and can’t seem to keep my house clean. I am constantly on overwhelmed or over the limit in whatever it is.
The few moments I get to myself are filled with the constant nagging in my head of all I’m doing wrong. Like a broken record. It’s why I use to listen to so many online meetings. Looks like I need that again. But the struggle to take that personal action is real.
Mondays have been a spiritual day of cleaning in silence after a long weekend of screaming and crying kids. But I need a meeting so I need to start making a choice for to get in more meetings and silence the voices a little bit. I have been enjoying my silence though. I need a little of both.
The real issue is that all these little minor issues are major, but to other people they are minor. Try explaining to a kid that his behavior is triggering the heck out of you. Or better yet try explaining that to an adult. But sometimes it needs to be done. In my situation, they are too little to understand. So I get to practice what I preach and pray at a time when my prayer life is suffering.
When I struggle then those around me struggle. This negatively impacts my life and the lives of those around me. Everyone in the house feels it when I have a bad day or even a bad morning. I am working on improving my relationships. But it is hard because I’m not always willing to work. And that is what it takes for me, it is work! Am I the only one who feels like this? I know I’m not!!!
The Turning Point
Being around or in recovery is not new to me. Because I have been around so long I have seen a few different bottoms. Each one was a little different than the other. Not necessarily worse but different.
Seeking sobriety has been more difficult for me this time. Sure from alcohol, I am sober. But I have medications and something else I use medicinally. In my opinion, that means not being sober. I often wonder if I am one of the ones who is constitutionally incapable of being honest enough to be sane, healthy, and fully sober.
I have been tackling both these debilitating issues at the same time. With meetings and starting over my steps, I am taking action. As well as counseling for the full scope.
My support system is currently broken. I have a counselor and a sponsor but my home life is filled with kids and cartoons and too much activity! This blog or website I should say is what has been taking my time when I don’t know what to do with my time. A much more positive way to spend my time. Don’t you think?
The Journey of Sobriety
The idea is, and the directions are; do the steps, get a sponsor, go to meetings. And your life will get better. But the reality is that it doesn’t get better right away and sometimes we gotta sit in shit a long time before we see or feel any relief. Because life is still kicking. While we are trying to kick our addiction, life rages on. Sometimes leaving us in dust as we go and just try to survive.
Having good mental health has become something I care about. I never used to but ever since I quit drinking it has been important to me to be there in action and in person. I am trying to be healthy in my mind and body. Both tasks are a complete failure right now. But I believe I can get better with the right help and steps.
Many different strategies work for different people. Just like chewing gum helps quit smoking. Chewing gum is one example. Exercise is one of the biggest tools I hear from other sober alcoholics all the time. Exercise. A lot.
- Drinking tea
- Journaling
- Going to meetings or support groups
- Calling a friend
- Practicing mindfulness
- Reading a book
- Learning a new language
- Hiking
Confronting Depression
Dealing with depression during sobriety is tougher as you no longer have something to rely on when it gets hard. The biggest reason I still have hangups is my mental health keeps me down.
It took me a long time to realize I needed treatment. I was one of those people who said I didn’t need anything yet I would go ingest whatever I could to not feel. One of those treatments was medication and another was counseling. And it turns out I still need them and will for a long time.
Accepting that I need medicine right now is hard. Accepting that I am in my recovery journey exactly where I need to be is hard. I don’t feel I am where I should be. And acceptance is the key is what my book says!
I am supposed to be meditating, but I have been having a hard time with that as well. But I have been able to get alone time and quiet time while the kiddos are at school. Sitting and having silence has been a blessing and has helped me grow immensely. Unfortunately, I only have hearsay to share. Techniques that have worked for countless others. I am still waiting for them to work for me.
Discovering Clarity and Growth
Sobriety has led to greater self-awareness and understanding of my mental health. Whereas before I was looking for all the ways I could get high. Now I look for all the ways to distract myself. And now I look for ways of healing and understanding.
Being aware that there is a problem helps me look for ways to stay in the solution. If I can just stay in the solution!
My path has been leaned toward kids and family. My anxiety does not agree about having people over being good for me. Most of my goals are about family in one way or another. And if I can’t take care of me then I can’t take care of anyone.
Building a Supportive Community
Make sure to surround yourself with supportive people. Yes we need those who are not supportive too but most of the time those people are not helpful in our sobriety journey. And many others feel the exact opposite. I have never needed someone to criticize me and tell me everything I’m doing wrong. It did not strengthen me as a child and it will not strengthen me as an adult.
It is nice when you can walk into a room and have an instant connection to others. When they share their stories it relieves me because then I don’t feel so alone. During my time of drinking, I made a lot of bad choices and it’s nice to hear my story come out of someone else’s mouth that I have never met before!
AA meetings have been helpful for me. Especially the online ones. I have 3 small children and 1 husband which equals me not really feeling comfortable anywhere. So online has been my biggest help. As it is more difficult to bring 3 small children into a meeting. But it is better if you can get in-person meetings. I can hide online and in-person there is no hiding. I am exposed!
Conclusion
In summary life has taken many turns and because of those turns and trials I was able to realize that I did indeed need help. Again. And take the necessary steps to start again.
Mental health is an ongoing trial that changes often in my experience.
If you are struggling just like me. Don’t give up. Lot’s are successful and lot’s just find it in themselves to do the work and push through the pain of it. Like they say surround yourself with who you want to be,
Call to Action
Is your story similar to mine or what is your story? Comment in the comments!
Meetings are a good place to hang out when first begining your sobriety journey. And staying busy can help too.
Written by Sherri and Koala